


Wistful Dreams

by jl_quill



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Fantasizing, Gay John Laurens, M/M, POV First Person, Poetry, Secret Crush, Spin the Bottle, Theater Kid Alexander Hamilton, Theater Kid John Laurens, Trans Alexander Hamilton, Truth or Dare, Writer Alexander Hamilton, alex calls john jack, author is tricking you into reading his shitty poetry about his crush by telling you it's lams, composer john laurens, everyone's a sucker for a leading man, i mean it started out as a fic anyway but if alex can pine over unattainable boys then so can i, listen john is the lead and alex is ensemble ok, the author regrets nothing for now but might later if anyone he knows finds this fic, totally not inspired by my life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-16
Updated: 2018-04-16
Packaged: 2019-04-23 18:40:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 535
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14338653
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jl_quill/pseuds/jl_quill
Summary: Alex is his theater company's first trans member. He is also secretly crushing hard on Jack Laurens, the talented lead who composes in his spare time. His first reaction is to write about it.





	Wistful Dreams

sometimes i think about a boy  
his name is jack  
and i do not love him.

but he is beautiful  
and brave  
and his voice is like falling snow.  
he is everything i want to be  
so perhaps i do.

i think of days that could be.

1\. we are tipsy on applause and the euphoria of closing night. a junior starts it: a girl with her makeup smudged and her eye on a boy in the ensemble. the bottle spins and falls to me. the bottle spins and falls to him. the chorus boy and the lead. and he kisses me so hard our teeth clack and i let myself love for one shining golden second. we break apart - he breaks a heart - the game moves on.

2\. we are older, now. i have changed - T does wonders for a guy’s confidence. we meet again at a party, the alcohol flowing. we sit in a circle with our friends, playing truth or dare. someone tells me to kiss my crush and i do: softly, quickly, all the confessions i ever held inside laid bare in a single second. realization dawns on his face. the game moves on.

3\. I live alone in New York City. the streets bustle and burst every day, the lonely crowd flowing around itself, isolation in a group. i bump into a figure holding sheets and sheets of music - they scatter like leaves on the wind - my coffee spills - he trips - the script i am holding falls into the gutter - we scramble for our things - i look up and it is his eyes i meet. the years fall away and i am 15 again, and he is singing, looking into my eyes. his words fill my lungs and seep into my gut. it is the most beautiful thing i have ever heard. i flash to the present. he remembers me. do i want to get coffee sometime?

4\. the sun rises over our little apartment in queens. i wake up to find him cuddled up behind me, arms around my waist, reluctant to let me go. we have a routine now. get up. get ready. kiss goodbye. come home to each other. we are happy, and comfortable, and sometimes we have bad days, when trauma flares, when comments fly, when dysphoria hits hard. but the bad days aren’t so bad when the other is there with soothing words, a hand to hold, reassurances, a shoulder to cry on. there are times when he is there when the world is not so cruel. we live. we love. the world moves on.

sometimes i think about a boy  
well  
more like all the time.  
his name is jack  
and i love him.  
he is beautiful  
and brave  
and his voice is like the setting sun.  
he is everything i want to be

the days i dream of are only fantasy  
but the longing they bring is not.  
so here i sit  
listening backstage to a boy i can’t have.

i sometimes wish that it were all real  
but i know that some things are better left dreamt  
some things are better let go  
and some things are simply not meant to be.

**Author's Note:**

> wow can u tell that this is in no way connected to me or my life at all hahahahahaha
> 
> seriously though guys, this was really nice to get out. i'm really gay. my 'jack' is really pretty. im not gonna say anything bc reasons but a guy can dream, u know?
> 
> every comment gives me one (1) hour of no dysphoria


End file.
